


How Sweet the Sound

by kolejnyczlowiek



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Eventual Smut, F/M, Horror, Mostly Drama, Psychological Trauma, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-02-22 03:40:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13158492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kolejnyczlowiek/pseuds/kolejnyczlowiek
Summary: "In fact, it seemed impossible to function without it. The familiar vibration had been gone and she was lost. The more she thought about it, the more the realization hit her that the hum was gone for good - and without hope you might be as good as dead. Now, she wouldn’t call herself dead but rather the opposite - she had never been this alive before and perhaps that’s why it was so hard to go on. Dead people don’t care, living people care too much."*A story set post-war, with the Resistance having won over the First Order and slowly bringing down it's remaining members. It mostly focuses on Rey and her trying to find her place and purpose.It's an angsty story about people being depressed. It's hard to say anything more, as I'm not sure where I'm exactly going with this.*Title: "Let's Go" by Stuck in the Sound





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My guys, this is so experimental to me, Idk what I'm doing.

There was only silence around her. Irritating at first, easy to ignore when she would go about her day, running errands for the Resistance - very simple and mundane, but it kept her occupied. Until majority of the people who usually needed her had begun to leave. She knew they would come back eventually, missions were hardly life-threatening these days. However, it did not change the fact that she would be alone again, wandering idly through half-empty base as if looking for a purpose. She would be offered to go by the pilots on several occasions, for a day or two, and it was hard to resist the temptation; her body obviously has been missing the thrill of fight. Yet she always refused, without explanation as it was hard to explain the feeling she’d get - a notion that the moment she stepped out of this place something bad would happen. She was keeping the bad spirits away, she thought, and she’d rather not risk finding out if there would be anything to come back to if she dared to go. 

There was only silence around her. Now tormenting her at every moment,  _ every second _ no matter the state of her mind. She could sense the Force surrounding her, resting in every thing living or still. Although the sound was there - she could hear the Force moving, twisting, changing - the humming wasn’t. The humming she was so used to live with, sometimes soft and regular, like a heartbeat within her mind and underneath her skin; often sharp, irregular, chaotic, almost painful when she would be fighting, as if it tried to distract her. Nevertheless, she had accepted the hum as an important part of her, like an arm or a leg would be; it was hard to function without it. 

In fact, it seemed impossible to function without it. The familiar vibration had been gone and she was lost. The more she thought about it, the more the realization hit her that the hum was gone for good - and without hope you might be as good as dead. Now, she wouldn’t call herself dead but rather the opposite - she had never been this alive before and perhaps that’s why it was so hard to go on. Dead people don’t care, living people care too much. 

Her hand twitched and her wrench missed the screw, the clink of the metal echoed throughout the ship as did the curse she breathed out, frustrated by her state. She wiped the sweat off her forehead but didn’t turn off the portable radiator she had brought along. It was a bit chilly in the docking bay but a jacket was enough to keep you warm. She was trying to fool her body with the heat which softly prickled her skin - it wasn’t in any way close to what she was used to experience with but it was distracting enough as she fiddled with the machinery to pass the time. 

Suddenly she snapped, dropping the wrench and falling onto her butt. She lifted her head, eyes wide and mouth open. It was easy to surprise her lately, she paid little mind to her surroundings, scared she’d become aware of the silence again - it was easier to lose herself doing something ( _ anything _ ) than to face it. 

“General?”

“What are you doing, Rey?” Leia asked, her hand still resing on the girls shoulder. She didn’t sound angry but upset, in a way Rey knew she pitied her. Pity was useless to her. 

“Uh… fixing. Stuff” she responded, like a 5 years old child caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing. Except she wasn’t a child and, as far as she was aware, maintenance of a ship wasn’t illegal. “Do you need me?” she added after a while, hoping to avoid further questions about her activities , but also praying she’d say “yes”. It was an opportunity for her to free herself of the self-destructive thoughts by finally being given some purpose.

“No… Not really.”

And so the opportunity was crushed, within a second. Rey shouldn’t be surprised, but she was definitely disappointed. She slowly reached for the wrench and twisted her fingers around it. Speaking with Leia was lately more stressful than pleasurable and the girl always needed to keep her hands busy; she had no desire to hurt the General, but herself? Very much so. 

“When…” Rey started, unsure what pushed her to speak first, or speak about this. Which is why she hesitated and dropped her eyes. But collecting her thoughts was hard as Leia stood above her. The woman must have sensed her anxiety because she kneeled, her expression softening just like the grip she had on Rey’s shoulder. “Luke died,” she continued quietly, “did you feel something? Deep within you… Like, nothingness? And it’s annoying, and you can’t seem to get rid of it? I’m not sure how to describe it…” the last sentence was not meant to leave her mouth but Leia sighed with understanding and her hand reached for Rey’s messed up hair, stroking it lightly and Rey found herself welcoming the gesture, leaning more towards the woman. For a time when neither of them spoke, she forgot about the hum. 

“I knew there was some part of my soul that was missing. But I wouldn’t say that I was longing for him.” Leia took Rey’s hands into hers and looked deeply into her eyes as if trying to emphasise what she was trying to say. She took a deep breath and Rey felt some flicker where they touched and the air between them thickening. “I understood that he still is here with me. He’s one with the Force and isn’t the Force around me? If you focus hard enough,” Leia said with her eyes closed and Rey soon followed, unaware, “you can feel him too.”

Rey did, this dimmed light floating in the air which she immediately associated with safety and her heart pulling down in grief. But the humming was still gone. 

Both of them pulled back and Leia was first to stand up.

“I hope I was somewhat of help.”

_ That’s not exactly what I meant but _ … “Thank you” the girl said and smiled sadly at her.

The woman’s face quivered but she reciprocated and Rey thought if she could read her mind.

 

It was 3 a.m. but Rey sat on her bed, legs crossed, back straight and her hair loose. She shouldn’t be doing this, she knew. Meditation was dangerous and more often than not it brought her distress instead of peace, only by taking on a task she’d bring herself to carry out mechanically, was she able to push back the tormenting silence. It made her mind work fast and overwhelmed her with information. The conversation with Leia made her naive, she wanted to try again, despite how many time she tried this trick before and failed. But was giving up really a better option? Would it hurt her to try again (and again and again and again? The answer was  _ yes _ , but she deliberately ignored it.)

Her body tensed as the vibration hit against her body. Her breath stilled and the silence was at its peak. Thinking back to what Leia said and to what she learned from Luke, she did not allow the silence to take over and drive her crazy - not this time.

_ Force is everywhere. _

She trusted that this knowledge would save her this time. She can sense it after all, see what it sees, touch what it touches. Become one with it…

She floated. Not physically, but her mind was carried by the waves around her room and bouncing off the walls. Rey wanted to go through. 

_ Focus. _

Penetration through the metal was maddeningly slow, the Force wasn’t fully accepting her and she wasn’t confident enough to immerse herself in it and let it rule her. But she had to endure, it’s the most she felt since the war ended - at least on one front. 

It was like a liquid - thick and merciless, it limited her movement and the images it shown were a dark blur. She noticed brighter points against grey background, lights perhaps? They flickered when she got too close so she relaxed some more, feeling numbness in her legs and arms; she began losing touch with reality, turning her room in nothing but a faint memory. Using her remaining consciousness she halted her heart and instead of the loud thuds she began to hear the sounds of the Resistance’s base  _ living _ . Creaking of doors and beds, whir of machinery, beeping of computers and again the sound of heart? No, not her heart. Many, many hearts, pumping the blood, hearing it rush through their veins, seeing the rapid movement of their eyes. All of the base inside her in a unity, even though uneven, distorted and dull. However, it wasn’t what she was looking for. It was only a start. 

Rey pushed her mind further, deeper and her vision became even more obscured. It was hard to navigate through the rooms, as she was unable to fully differentiate between material and immaterial. She was forcing her way through the atoms, testing her abilities, wondering how far she could go. It was sort of like diving, but without taking a breath or taking any safety precautions. The pressure would also become unbearable, although in a different way. The Force was still wary of her - she spent so much time isolating herself that it did not surprise her that she was as a stranger breaking into someone else’s home. 

When she was surrounded by nothing but blackness she stopped. At first she thought she finally reached the space but the lack of stars did prove her otherwise. She looked around, searching for some source of light but found nothing - only a tug, like a thin line that pulled her mind back into her physical body. Rey resisted, trying to remain calm. Maybe it will pass just like the darkness at night once your eyes get used to it? 

She examined the Force around her. She was surprised to realize how spare it was here, like something pushed it away - no wonder she found it hard to go further. But she did try, one “step” at a time, even though something did not want her here. She embraced the Force around her, looking concerned at the blank space in front of her. There were edges to it, sharp like rocks yet wet and hard to hold onto. Even though the exact shape was impossible to describe, it looked ominous. Maybe the silence ultimately made her insane, she didn’t care. Rey compelled her mind to go deeper, deaf to its protests. Infiltrating these “Forceless” walls was her only desire at that moment. What could go wrong?

 

_ A hum. _

 

A breath. Rey was unsure whose. Hers? Possibly. But she felt the hum and she saw eyes open. 

And then her eyes open.

Rey was in her room. 

 

Rey was lying in her bed, paralyzed but shaking, her hair were greasy from the sweat and breath uneven from the exhaustion. But she was breathing, she was alive and, more importantly, she felt it - the hum.

Rey cried. It was an loud and ugly cry, desperate and draining. She was too weak to keep her emotions in check, or maybe she just didn’t want to. Mostly she cried because everything was silent, the hum was gone again. To have something taken away from you hurt. To have something taken away from you twice? To be teased for... how much was it? Not even a second and then  _ it _ being ripped apart when you finally have some hope. 

It was driving her crazy like it did the first time; it was killing her. 

Rey looked over to the alarm clock, still trembling as the tears washed her face. 

7:23 a.m.

She’s never meditated for that long. She has never been warned how long was she allowed to stay in that state without it causing some sort of damage but she was sure 4 hours was far too long. That explained why she found it hard to recover and take control over her body and her thought were too chaotic to make out any sense of them. 

There was one good thing that came out of it all. 

She was not without a purpose anymore, the hum could be recovered. That was her next task - to find out how. 

 

Rey was tired, everything about her appearance betrayed it - black circles under her eyes, wrinkled clothes and unkempt hair. She stood in the observatory, hands resting by her side and her silhouette stood out against the white room and the sunlight. She looked down at the people rushing through the gate - on foot and in vehicles, in a group of people or alone dragging packages. Today was rather busy, not for her, but for everyone else much so. There was sting of jealousy in her chest; oh, how she wished she could be this carefree.

Hearing footsteps coming in her direction she turned around. Before she could say something she was taken in by strong arms. She was able to smell the sweat and wilderness in his leather jacket and as much as she appreciated that he decided to see her right away, she was angry that her mental instability became such a hot topic. It could be that he just wanted to greet her after a mission and check on her but she’s heard whispers as she walked the halls, she expected he’d be told of her state considering their friendship. 

Finn pulled away but his hands cupped her cheeks. It felt a bit condescending but then again, she’s been frantically avoiding mirrors all day - whatever made him look at her this way, would surely made her look at him the same. She couldn’t really mad at him for caring and being scared for her.

Expect she was. Part of her wanted to punch something and scream at everyone who acted like nothing was the matter or had no idea what’s going on. She knew they were aware of the source of her distress; they were simply pretending to have no idea what caused her this insanity, thinking that maybe if they forget then she would as well.

She was angry but she couldn’t blame them. She’d have done the same thing.

“How are you feeling?”

“Awful.”

“Yeah, you don’t say.” 

Rey smiled at Finn and took his hands into hers. She pulled them away from her face, realizing that she was probably as clean as him after running through the mud on a hot day for two days. When she looked at him, she saw that at least he bothered to wash his face.

She didn’t let go of his hands though, enjoying the closeness of other human. Feeling his warmth made it hard for her to drift away with nothing but her dreadful thoughts, though not impossible. He’s been understanding so far, the door to his room was always open for her, whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on or not. He was talkative around his friends and she was glad he didn’t mind doing all the talking when she needed a distraction. He’d still ask what’s on her mind but never tried to force the answer out of her - time would come when she opens up, he said, and he would be there when she is ready. Rey couldn’t ask for more. 

“Is Poe with you?”

“Nah, he’ll be back tomorrow maybe? If he’s lucky.”

Rey nodded and still holding his hand she took them towards the quarters. “Will you let me refresh? And we can continue at your place” she said, but instead of waiting for an answer she let go of him and rushed towards her room.

Finn stood in place for a while after she was gone, his smile dropping. He rubbed his face and exhaled loudly. Recruits were right, something “was up” with her. 

 

Rey was silent but seemed engaged enough in the story Finn was telling. Gesticulating wildly he came up to her chair and leaned forward. As if it were some great revelation he exclaimed “bushes” and Rey widened her eyelids in shock. 

“They dressed up as bushes! That was their brilliant idea - dress up as bushes and sneak in! Didn’t even give me a moment to think”

“But did it work?”

Finn’s body relaxed and he fell onto the chair. Taking a sip of water he rested his harms on the table and looked down on his glass.

“I mean… I’m not sure how but, yeah, it did.”

Rey chuckled and rubbed Finn’s back and it made him feel a little bit better. 

“You need to trust your boys more,” she said. Her fingers clenched around her untouched tighter the moment her friend spoke again. She awaited the continuation of the story, yet Finn would rather switch the topic when she wasn’t as tense as before. 

“And you? Had any fun while I was gone?”

She took her time to think, she didn’t want him to worry but lying to him was not an option either. His brow frowning impatiently was a sign to her to start.

“I was working on the  _ Falcon _ . Something’s not right with the engine.”

Finn gasped in understanding, and Rey smiled in triumph that she managed to avoid being awkward.

“Oh yeah! I remember this weird rattling, I guess. I just assumed that it’s an old ship, it’s gonna make some noise, you know?”

“Well, I found some loose screws but it’s a bit time consuming. I also have to check if something didn’t crawl inside through the gapes. But it’s something to do, I’m not bored.”

“I can help you, it’s not a problem. I know how to clean, I was a janitor before.”

Rey punched him playfully and he pouted pretending that she dealt him a great pain. She laughed at his antics and perhaps to an outsider watching them it would look like everything was fine - two friend having fun without a care in the world. Rey tried to act like it too. 

But the silence at the back of her head would not let her be that easily.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I updated fairly quickly, but don't get used to it. Holiday break is over soon.

Rey stood up. It felt strange, as if her feet weren’t really touching the ground. She looked around her room and took a step forward. The Force brushed against her like water and thick seaweed. Through closed eyes she looked around, the images sharper that during her previous meditation, although still distorted when she wouldn’t focus properly. She reached out her hand and slowly, scared for some reason, she touched the keypad with the tips of her fingers. The Force carried the muffled sound of her breathing the sigh of relief. With her hand shaking (or was it really shaking? Perhaps it was just her mind not processing the image before her properly) she pressed a button and a door opened. She extended her arm once more; even though she could see more than the average eye normally could she felt blind. In a way she was - blind to what’s real and what’s “not”. Careful not to trip on the doorway she walked out but halted immediately in the middle of the corridor. That was going to be the hard part. The lights were stronger than the previous time, and corners sharp. Too many things happening at once confused her vision, and soon the throbbing inside her head followed. How did she manage to reach that “Forceless” place again?

Then she remembered how it pushed her back. Despite that she continued to move forward, struggling against it, as if it was a violent stream. Melting with her surrounding, becoming unpredictable and unnoticed. She sacrificed a part of herself that tied her down and jumped in, just like on Ahch-to; didn’t let the darkness scare her away.

By being stubborn, that’s how she could reach it, forcing her way through like it forced her back. Like a planet pulled to a sun. And that’s how she knew to turn right and go without looking back.

She was wrong, this part was easy.

Rey remembered the push, the wave of Force hitting against her, trying to bring her back to the coast. She rejected the the safety and extended her arms further, touching the Force around her, sensing weird vibration. Not the same vibration she was looking for - it was more sinister; beating from somewhere very distant. It was a warning. Rey took it as a sign.

The corridor distorted around her, the lights dim this time and the Force becoming cold. _Don’t_ it hummed and instead of turning the opposite way and leaving, she bravely charged forward. Rey didn’t feel so hopeless anymore. Whatever didn’t want her in the “Forceless place” only encouraged her to keep going.

Struggling she pushed the walls apart, trying to determine where to go next. She wished the hum would speak to her again but maybe it knew better than to accidentally bait her. Ironically that thought made her freeze as the revelation hit her. What if it were not as smart but smarter than her? Did she even have a plan, once she reached that place? Was she stupid enough to dive straight into the monster’s jaws?

With a slide towards another corner she guessed she must have been pretty stupid. She’s got too far to back down now.

Rey’s steps were steady as she followed the uncanny current. Turning left, right, left, right, going straight and down, down, down, down until the pressure began building up again. Going off and on track she continued in spite of a painful rip that just went through her head. She stumbled a little but holding onto the wall she quickly regained balance. She only wished she could see better, the environment around her was too raw and murky and the “seaweed” were annoyingly wrapping around her limbs. Rey smirked at the sensation - you needed more than that to stop her.

But her face shifted fast from the arrogance to confusion when someone gripped her arm tightly and shook her body, worryingly calling out to her.

Her eyes opened. Her meditation was interrupted.

She looked up at Finn and then behind him at the Resistance soldier who was keeping up a scanner to her face.

“Rey? Rey are you alright?”

Her mouth felt numb and her mind was in pieces, she needed time to process what was happening - she wasn’t sure if any of it was even real. How long was she meditating this time?

“Yeah, sorry Miss but you do not have clearance to enter this room” the man said after he identified her and clipped the device to the back of his belt.

Rey turned around and saw massive looking metal door with an old keypad next to it - some numbers weren’t highlighted at all, and the light would flicker once in a while. She tried to stealthily use the Force to look behind the wall but failed due to Finn’s grip tightening some more on her arm and the door being too thick for her to “go through” without ability to focus properly. She only managed to hear a buzz coming from some odd mechanism, perhaps many computers working at once, and the sound irritated her ears.

“Rey?” Finn asked again, stepping in front of her unsure if she was even conscious. He relaxed at last when she spoke to the soldier.

“Do you know who I am?”

Hesitating, he answered “yes”; by the tone of her voice he was unsure what she wanted him to say.

“Then can you open the door for me? Please.”

“I’m sorry Miss but as I said: you are not permitted into the area.”

“I just need one thing--” she implored, but the soldier cut her off instantly.

“You’ll need to take it to the General, miss. I don’t have the authority to grant you the access. This is the last time I ask that you leave.”

Upon hearing his last words Rey gave in to Finn’s embrace and let him lead her out of the stone-cold wide corridor. She did not take her eyes away from the metal door until it disappeared when they turned left. For a very short moment she thought she felt the hum again.  


 

“I’m afraid it won’t be possible.”

Rey looked up at Leia and exhaled, furious with the General’s final decision but she said nothing. Being a war hero seemed to mean little. It wasn’t Leia’s fault, Rey had an idea how she and Han were treated despite of what they have done to the Galaxy - why things would be different with Rey? She knew asking for such a thing was a waste of time. Still, she hoped that maybe Leia of all people would understand.

“I understand.”

Rey jumped in her chair, speechless and stunned but mostly tired after her meditation.

“We all search for peace, for answers, a purpose. But this is not the right way, Rey. This will bring you no solace. It will just poke at your old wounds and try to mess with you.”

“ _It_?”

“You know what I mean, girl. Moving on is the best all of us can do. I’m not saying you should forget the past but have you even tried to live your life?” Leia asked, sitting down next to Rey and putting her arms onto the table. “You've done your part. You've done more than was expected of you.”

“Then why do I feel like I'm actually not done yet?” Rey sounded desperate, her voice broke slightly but she used all of her strength not to cry. She was already seen as a wreck, she didn't need to make things even worse.

“I… I'm not Luke, I know that,” said Leia, hiding her face behind fingers laced together. “But I think that perhaps you should try and teach the ways of Jedi. You're still very young but that's hardly a flaw. Maybe this would calm your soul.”

“How can I teach control when I can't keep my composure?”

Leia had no clue about that.

 

Rey turned on the engine. She heard the rumbling and smelled the smoke which was followed by Finn screaming at her to stop. She did just that, turning the engine off again. The exhaustion was kicking in, and Rey couldn’t bring herself to stand up and continue the work on the _Millennium Falcon_. She wasn’t sure what she even was trying to achieve. At that point she was simply delaying the mental breakdown that was meant to happen, by occupying her mind with wires, gears, pumps and computers. Tinkering was a logical and practical activity, it required little to no emotion; it was something she could do best in her current state.

But even this was beginning to fail.

Frustrated she punched the cockpit and the metal rattled and a big rectangular plate fell off with a loud bang onto the ground. She didn’t ask the universe if things could go any worse for her, feeling they would if she dared to speak. Instead she went down onto her knees and took the metal plate into her hands. Crouching, she leaned forward to examine the cockpit, looking for the exact place it fell off from but something else completely attracted her attention. There were small but clearly visible hinges by the left seat. Upon further examination she noticed a wide but shallow recess, very likely a handle. Curious she slid to the side and pulled the door down, revealing a glove compartment. Except there was nothing that would indicate that Han has even used it - no gloves, or extra keys or a backup pistol.

Rey wanted to stood up but the moment she straightened she hit her head against the dashboard, hard enough that she shook the metal again. Looking onto the ground and rubbing the back of her head was when she noticed a frame. Was this part of the cockpit as well? It couldn’t be, it didn’t seem to fit anywhere and the flat switch on a side looked suspicious. It was possible that the frame fell out of the glove compartment, the place was dark it wouldn’t have been hard to miss it.

Giving in to the temptation she flicked the switch and a faint blue light instantly blinded her. While she adjusted to it, she soon remembered why was the device so familiar - it was nothing more but a flat-holo. There weren’t many on Jakku, but she saw some of the Resistance’s soldiers carrying them around; those were more sophisticated, small and slim, often projecting the images in colour, few were even moving slightly. The one Rey was holding seemed old and the pictures weren’t as sharp. However she found no trouble in recognizing Leia’s bright though much younger face as she stood in the entrance on the _Falcon_ , holding something in her arms, the white cloth obscured exactly what but by the sting in Rey’s heart perhaps she didn’t need to see to know. The picture was bittersweet: Leia so full of life holding a newborn, prepared for the new adventures that were to come, oblivious to what truly were to happen.

Rey flicked the switch again, but the holo did not disappear. Instead it showed her another picture, one taken right in this cabin, of the seat she was kneeling by and it made her somewhat uneasy. She doubted she’d ever see Him smile, but there he was, maybe 5 or 6 years old, proudly steering the _Falcon_ in his father’s place. Unashamed of his short hair facing every direction, or a couple of missing teeth and smears of grease across his face; free and innocent. It made Rey smile.

She moved onto another picture and it took away her breath.

Han was older, his hair already lighter by the roots, obviously graying. He was missing the usual frown she saw him with. Happy and unaware just like Leia in the first picture, by the same entrance to the Falcon, and embracing the same person. She looked over to the boy with Han’s arm around His shoulders and she had no doubt about who she saw. He must have been a teenager in that picture and His face was quite alike to what she’d seen. The biggest difference were His hair, a bit shorter and with curly bangs over His eyes. He was dressed up similar to Han, a pale shirt with a loose vest that He was yet to grow into. But His eyes were piercing, His expression upset and lips pressed into thin line. Was He and Han not getting along anymore by that point or was He, the boy…?

Rey was jealous. She had nothing, _no one_. Everything she had earned she earned it herself. And He? He was given a loving family, although not perfect, friends and opportunity to become someone great from the day He was born and He wasted it like that! Not once or twice. Continuously throughout his life. Every time someone would give Him their helping hand He would cast it off; like He was better than everyone else. It just wasn’t fair! How could she possibly feel bad for someone like Him?

However, looking back at the picture of Han embracing his son she wasn't able to be mad at Him. It wasn’t entirely His fault.

Looking at the boys face it became clear that by the time this flat-holo was taken, Snoke had already had his claws inside His head.

“Found anything interesting?”

Rey stood up, carefully this time, making sure to turn off the flat-holo before turning to Poe. He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed and a cheeky smile across his face. At least he was acting normally around her, not as if she were made of glass.

“Just cables, plenty of them. It will take more that I had previously assumed to completely fix this garbage up.”

“Do not fret,” said Poe, coming up to the girl and reassuringly placing a hand on her back, “we have all the time in the galaxy.”

 

The frame of the flat-holo Rey found on the _Falcon_ , rested on the end-table by her bed. The blue light illuminated her face, not letting her sleep. She didn’t want to anyway, transfixed on the picture of Han and Ben, feeling guilt. She should’ve given it back to Leia, but the woman had enough heartbreak for a lifetime. And Rey wanted a reminder, not sure why and what the picture would even remind her of but she felt a strange connection to it. An idea crept in, that maybe she should try and meditate, see if tinding the flat-holo changed anything. But it was too late for that now; she had to be up early and there was no saying how long the trance would last, ever. Being found half conscious trying to manipulate the Force around her was not something she’d want to repeat after Finn has just found her.

Rey lay herself down onto the sheets. Her body was deprived of energy and would force her to sleep any time now.

She breathed in once with her eyes closed.

 

_Humming._

 

There was pit in her stomach, like she has failed to hide and now something found her. But the exact moment she tried to respond, the hum disappeared.

That night, for many different reasons she could and couldn’t name, she cried herself to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to chill with the updates, Jesus Christ.

Ben dips his finger into the sand and begins to draw: at first just a circle, small and shy, embarrassed that anyone will notice. But he is becoming brave realizing that no one pays him any attention and soon he moves onto drawing planets - those he’s seen and those he wishes to visit one day. He puts a lot of effort into adding detail, exotic patterns decorating each circle and the space in between them, like constellations or caravans of spaceships. By the time something looms over him, he has created the whole galaxy. He doesn’t flinch, he expected his father to come after him sooner or later. 

Han crouches down next to his son, admiring Ben’s artwork though it’s hard to tell as he grimaces - his face being exposed to the sun. At least it’s the boy who does not notice the approving nod and Han’s eyes softening when he turns to him and says “we’ll be ready to go in a few minutes. Don’t forget to clean your shoes before going back onto the ship. Sand is hard to get rid off.” 

“I don’t want to.”

Han knows what the child refers to. He’s been in one of his moods during the whole journey. Han tried everything he knew, but the boy remained unaffected; he’s been sulking in one of the cabins, acting like books were more important than talking to his old man. 

Han would disregard it as a “teenage angst” if him and Leia didn’t know better. 

“Look, kiddo. I don’t like it as much as you do but it’s for the best.”

“Best for who?” Ben asks, letting out a snort. 

“You! Always you! Do you think I’d rather not be with you and your mother?”

“Why were you always gone then?”

His son is stubbornly avoiding the eye contact and for once Han is glad he does. His words alone hurt enough, but he thinks he deserves them. He was never the best man, some would say he was nothing but a criminal and a scum, but that did not excuse him; he should have had aspired to be a better father. But he doesn’t say it out loud, he is as always too proud to admit his own failure. But this time he couldn’t fail, he  _ wouldn’t  _ fail. Not when his son’s life was at stake.

“There are… things that are hard to understand. To me, to you. Hell, even to your mother. One thing we do know is that we cannot risk losing you. We’ve made a decision that wasn’t easy but everything we’ve ever done was to keep you  _ safe _ . I wish we could tell you more, but you have enough to worry about as it is . If you must take out your anger on me, then do so if that makes you happy.”

Ben stands up when he does and Han is astonished to have the boy’s thin fingers touching his palm. He closes his hand without hesitation and moves the black curls away from the child’s eyes which carefully observe his face. 

_ He’s too young _ , Han thinks and there’s a notion in his head to take his son back onto the ship and fly away - continue the journey together. He’s shown him how a pistol works, Han was on his own for a great portion of his life, he could teach the child how to protect itself, he could teach him everything. They didn’t need Luke. 

It’s naive to even consider that, unrealistic and definitely immature on his side, Han knows. It’s hard to stop those “what if” thoughts when they emerge and flaunt the things he’d love to have yet he’d never do. 

“Do you love me?”

This question catches Han off-guard. Feelings were something rarely discussed in this family - everyone seemed to agree that actions spoke louder than words. However, a child should not be expected to understand such a complex idea. So Han is glad that he asked.

“Of course I love you, kiddo! More than anything in the whole galaxy.” 

Ben seems satisfied with the answer as he charges at Han and embraces him with all his strength. Han wants to laugh at his son’s vulnerability until he feels his small figure shaking under his father’s touch. It doesn’t take long for Han’s shirt to begin sticking to his skin with Ben’s tears all over it. However, he doesn’t tell his son to “man up” like he used to whenever Ben would trip over and scrap his knees. Han instead just lets him be. 

His child was growing up too fast, and Han is scared of the moment Ben would lose his innocence. Ben is scared of it too. 

And of the voices, constantly scratching at the back of his head. 

 

The canteen was mostly quiet, the only disturbance were occasional whispers and banter between the people while they were also enjoying their food. Except for Poe. He considered himself a calm man with a very high tolerance for anything and anyone. But Finn was slowly getting on his nerves. Maybe because Poe knew some things were horribly wrong but he also knew there was nothing he could do; so he tried to pretend that nothing was happening but it was hard with Finn being such a mess for the past few days. 

But Poe couldn't just leave him either so he could continue to live in peace - someone had to make sure Finn wouldn't do anything stupid. After all, things were truly bad if BB-8 was the only reasonable  _ being _ around.

“You worry too much.”

Finn leaned forward and when he opened his mouth Poe knew he shouldn't have provoked him.

“I spoke with General Leia, Poe. She doesn't think everything's alright with Rey either. I can't just sit back and watch as she goes mad!”

“I know! I…” Poe exclaimed, abandoning his fork and pinned Finn’s arm to the table. He suspected it probably didn't come off as a reassuring gesture as he had intended it to, so he tried to make it up to Finn with his gentle, whispery voice, “I know. She's your friend and you're concerned. I am too. But she clearly doesn't want our help.”

“It's not about what she want but what she needs.”

“And sometimes we gotta figure out our problems on our own. I trust General's decision - Rey needs time, and space, to figure out things for herself. If she  _ needs _ us, she'll come.”

“What if she seeks help somewhere she shouldn't?

“I think she's smarter than that.”

“I hope you're right,” Finn sighed and leaned back in his chair.

_ I hope so too, buddy _ , thought Poe, pushing his plate of food away. Now he wasn't in a mood to eat. 

 

Leia knew that Rey couldn’t be stopped - the girl was stubborn and if she wanted something she’d find a way to get it. Yet that was no excuse for Leia to give up on trying to discouraged her. 

_ It is for your own good _ , Leia kept repeating as she strode through the corridor. Walls there were so thick and machinery loud enough to successfully mute any other sound that would come from the rooms at the end. The old structure and lack of technology advanced enough to even light the dark halls made this place very undesirable to visit. Resistance’s squads were rarely allowed there, Leia made sure to let only the most trusted in - even then, she still made exceptions. 

Today was a special day, a judgement day of sorts; one that would determine if there was anything worth saving. She suspected the answer would be no, so she took a couple of soldiers to carry all the things she needed to minimize the effect of that… thing. She was disgusted referring to It as such, but there was no point denying that every redeemable quality that would make her think differently of  _ It _ were gone. She dealt with death many times - of people she loved and those she didn’t - this should be no different.

Reaching the end of the corridor everyone halted as if synchronized and Leia brushed her hand against the door. The metal trembled, pieces of rust fell off and the doorframe screeched horridly. Moving her hand to the left, the door followed, albeit sluggishly against the corrosion. Once open, she rushed forward; she didn’t need to because her destination was clearly visible now, but maybe she just wanted to get this over with. 

The figure in a cell turned around ominously, eyeing the soldiers and devices they were carrying. It remained unimpressed and came back to Its previous position once the realization hit It. The figure was sitting legs crossed, Its back facing Leia even when It spoke. 

“Why not simply kill me?”

The monotone of Its voice sent shivers down Leia’s spine. Never had she heard something this deprived of emotions, not even a sign of hesitation or a break to take a breath - a talking robot had more soul than whatever sat in this cell. It was terrifying, it as the creature and the situation. The woman was too worn out to think when it all had went wrong. 

“This is my last warning. You have a choice to give yourself in to the Resistance or rot in this cell for the rest of your  _ existence _ .”

“But you will not kill me. Are you getting soft on me?” 

“Do not mistake it for softness. You know I would have rather see you dead than… being  _ this _ . Killing you would be an act of mercy.”

“But, alas…” It said, rising from Its sitting position. It came up to her, as close as It could - shoulders broad, back straight and chin up. But no expression on Its face. Leia would rather It to wear His old helmet that have Its dark eyes burning into her. “You don’t have the ability to. Yet somehow you believe that even though you can’t kill me these walls will keep me contained?”

“It’s worth the try.”

“It’s what you people always do, don’t you? And what has trying even brought you? War, death,  **_corruption_ ** .”

It was seething, the barrier between them vibrated and Leia took a step back, expecting it to break. But it didn’t, the creature was toying with her, surprisingly. She thought Its desires would be gone by now. She was wrong though. 

“I have killed many. Everyone you ever cared about - their blood is on my hands. And you still wish for me to bring your son back? I could… do that. Put on an act.”

“That won’t be necessary. I know He’s dead.”

It seemed… satisfied with her answer? Its lips twitched up - hardly noticeable for anyone who wasn’t looking up close. Leia thought if blowing this whole building up wouldn’t be the best solution. After all, people do always try. 

“I’m sure He’d be amused to hear that, if you weren’t speaking the truth,” It said and backed off, suddenly losing interest in Its surroundings. “Free me, or kill me, or lock me up - I do not care,” and to show that It sat down as It had been sitting when the woman walked it.

“I am done talking.”

So was she. 

“Put up the reinforcements,” General said, and the soldiers dragged the metal walls to the cell right away. They put them up around it without a question. Leia in the meantime took out small and round discs and pinned them to the walls, ceiling and the ground in the room. Their shiny covers stood out again the gray paint and dirty red metal. 

One of the soldiers handed her a device, a remote of sorts which was linked with wires to four boxes standing outside corners of the cell. Taking a deep breath she pressed a button and the discs began warming up.

“We have about ten minutes General.”

“It’s more than enough,” she said and put down the remote. 

Leaving the room she slammed the door shut, knowing well she’ll never be able to open it again.

 

Rey watched the entrance, impatiently awaiting for General Leia to come out. She hid behind the corner, repeating as if her life depended on it  _ you can’t see me _ . It worked well enough, people passed her without questioning why she spent so long observing a door that was off limit to everyone in the base. 

When Leia and two soldiers who accompanied her finally emerged from the hall, Rey waited only few second until she sneaked past them and run into the corridor; a warden soon came back to close the door. 

She paid no mind to weird architecture and decor of the place. She passed different turns, subconsciously knowing she had to go straight. Her meditations seemed to have paid off. She sensed energy - nowhere near as familiar and evil as the first time. It was more like an anomaly, unceasingly growing as the distance between her and another metal door decreased. It took her maybe four minutes to run from one side to the other and she was exhausted; not only physically, but something was messing up with the Force inside and around her. 

Nevertheless, she had some strength left to push the door open. Not fully, she only managed to create a gap wide enough for her to slither in sideways. 

She wasn’t sure what she expected. Not the wires and weird devices plastered all over the room. Nor the reinforcements put up around  _ something _ . She wanted to use the Force and sense what hid behind them but an irritating throb kept pulsing inside her head every time she tried to focus. 

Something shifted behind the metal walls she noticed. The sound was not even remotely similar to whatever the weird devices were doing, or the rusty gears and pumps moving about. 

It was obviously a person.

Rey kneeled and took a hold of the handles to lift up the metal walls. 

 

General Leia walked into the data office and her presence certainly disrupted everyone’s work. A young girl with a glasses which had extra magnifying lenses attached to them, respectfully bowed before a woman. 

“How can I help you General?”

“Do you have any technicians around?”

“I believe we do, yes,” she responded, slightly confused.

“Great. I need one of them to find the recordings from the cameras in the west wing - sector E from today. Do you copy that?”

The girl nodded furiously and she actually took out a notepad. Her fingers began hitting against the screen to the rhythm of Leia’s voice.

“I need him to completely delete all the recording and replace them.”

“Uh… Do you not wish to look through them first, General?”

Leia considered that, but she’d see nothing new but herself walking in and out of one of the rooms.

“There’s no point. I’ve been in that area already,” she said and walked out of the room. She stopped mid-way, only to give the girl a reminded, “technician, now. No looking through the recordings.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey, don't.


	4. Chapter 4

Rey is alone. The wind hits against the metal and the whole structure shakes. In this moment Rey is sure she will die - that this cold, dark and dirty place will become her tomb. It would be interesting at least, a new chapter, a new journey, a change from being a slave to that disgusting pile of greed that calls itself her master. Her death would cause him quite a distress too - children are hard to get here on Jakku. Boys are sold to the mercenaries, girls are sold to the “adult” houses (sometimes to mercenaries too); if they are lucky to survive. Most died of thirst and starvation, too young and too weak to work.

Rey was also young and weak, none of these people would take her. But she knows how to enter places, she's learnt from her parents how to scavenge and that ability is highly desirable amongst the merchants - to find something valuable and reach it, then obediently bring it back.

“Everyone needs to work hard to support this family” was the last thing she heard from her parents, and then an order from the slimy, ugly man to venture into the desert and not come back until she finds something that could be sold back or reused.

And she is still trying to figure out how has she ended up here. She remembers coming back to the village - she had pockets full of tech, chips and data storages, that maybe contained something useful. She remembers thinking “parents will be proud”; she is like a grown-up now, surely they will respect that. Yet she must have witnessed something that would make her walk back, away from the village - to here, her tomb.

She is going to die; on this hard ground, her parents being a memory and with an empty water-skin and useless tech in her pockets. The world around her is silent and the structure still. It's pitch black in the room and Rey can neither see nor hear herself breaths

She is dead.

Is this how afterlife looks like? You are forever trapped with your thoughts and you can still feel the hunger twisting your insides? Not much of a change after all…

The door opens, ripped from its hinges, and faint light of the moon falls upon Rey. She sees a shadow of a man before she passes out.

 

When she takes the reinforcements down she did not know what to expect, but regret was surely never meant to be the very first thought on her mind. This is what she wanted, what she _desired_ for such a long time. Finally the answer and the solution were right in front of her and she couldn't help but be disappointed. She wasn't surprised, subconsciously she knew He was the missing piece, that He cut off the link and made her incomplete; she has never lied to herself about that. But the man before her was not _Him_. She was yet to put the finger on it, but the way He carried himself was alien, like he was becoming used to the human body.

His bored eyes felt intimidating, so Rey dropped her head and took in her surrounding. There was nothing remarkable in this room; it seemed old, as if a forgotten place of worship or abandoned ruins. Whoever built it knew how to raise sturdy structures but were not too advanced with the technology. She could instantly recognise that the devices set up around the room belonged to the Resistance. She wasn't entirely sure what was their purpose - she has only managed to notice that the discs produced some kind of energy fields which conflicted with the Force within these walls; she knew the style those devices were built in and they did not match the aesthetic of the place at all.

But there was no point in disabling them right now, she had other things to do. She also had no way of knowing if they wouldn't set off an alarm and she probably had very little time to spare already.

“I…. You know why I came here.”

He remained still; only staring down at her, his arms hanging loosely by his sides, as if he had been a statue. It's hard to have a conversation with someone who doesn't respond, she prayed he would. Words were her only option.

“I need a favour, Kylo…”

“I don’t do favours,” he answered. His voice was deeper than she had remembered and maybe she was making that up but she would have sworn that when he had spoken, the air vibrated dangerously. Rey wouldn’t be frightened, though.

“We both need this. Whatever you have done, or whatever you’re doing right now, broke our bond. And I’m sure you feel the same way as I do - like something is missing.”

She was begging him at that point, almost bowing to him; one thing that worked on Kylo Ren was submission, but hers did nothing. Has he even heard what she had said? Was he deliberately ignoring her?

“I’m just asking you to bring it back,” she said it, as if expecting him to understand what she meant. “And whatever you need, within reason, I can give it to you.”

Kylo moved closer. As the light from the barrier touched his face only then she realised that his face was blank - what had previously expressed anger and sorrow,then has shown nothing. Was he even human?

“You are useless to me.”

It shouldn’t hurt that much but it did. He must have known it from the way she avoided looking him in the eyes and how she twister her lips.

“Were you missing me? One would think you’re in love,” he taunted.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” she responded immediately instead of biting her own tongue. She should keep her composure around him but his aura were doing something to her; she wasn’t in control of her own actions. “It’s not ideal that we… are linked this way. But there must have been a reason for it--”

“Snoke was the reason,” he cut in, but she wouldn’t let him win this.

“You know that’s not true. When you broke the bond it affected me as much as it must have affected you. You can hear it… the silence?”

Kylo cocked his head; she finally got his interest. Not for too long, after taking his sweet time to reconsider her offer, his answer was simply “no”. But Rey believed he could be swayed, despite his persistency to be so distant.

“My mind is always open--,” she began, but he did not let her finish. Treating it as an invitation he stormed in; he might have intended to do it more gracefully so she wouldn’t notice, get the information he needed and leave. However, he pushed back slightly and he seemed in mild pain. His eyes looked over to the discs set up around him accusingly.

Is that what they were for? To stop him from communicating with her? It seemed like something Leia would do, especially after Rey complained to her about her problems. Distorting the Force in this room was a good idea then, it was, after all, what brought her and Kylo together.

“You shouldn’t have come here.”

For once, she agreed with him.

Yet their ideas of a failure were different - she thought he meant how she didn’t manage to convince him to bring back the bond; until he focused on something behind her and when she turned around, she became aware of the door she had left open. Next thing she heard was a violent buzz as he pushed his hand through the barrier.

 

The moment Finn barged in with Poe who seemed to have no intentions in stopping him, Leia knew things went wrong. She was not taken-aback hearing the girl’s name first when Finn began to speak.

“Rey… Rey went missing”, he said, out of breath and terrified. The woman looked over his shoulder at Poe, but he was equally distressed despite being less emotional and more relaxed out of the two.

“Define missing, boy.”

She tried to remain calm for the sake of both men, but deep down she could feel herself growing sick.

“Missing as in didn’t show up despite telling us to come to the canteen. When we went to look for her apparently no one, NO ONE could see her.”

“Are you sure you looked everywhere?”

“Everywhere we could,” Finn paused, taking a breath and suddenly Leia knew where this conversation was going to. “Everywhere we had an authorization to go to.”

“Is there some way we could…” Poe joined in, knowingly looking at the General. Of course the ex-stormtrooper would tell him everything. “just check? It doesn’t have to be us.”

“The door is sealed. There is no way she would have gone through.”

“Are you sure?”

Leia wasn’t sure. She would not admit that, that would cause only more panic. She was careful enough to give herself enough time to leave but not enough to go back in. Someone would have to run in there right after she left. Would Rey go as far as to spy on the wardens in the area for several days, waiting for the perfect opportunity to go in? Was she that desperate? Maybe Leia did underestimate her - her problem was too severe to simply ignore it and let the time heal her wounds. Another mistake on her end…

“I have ordered to delete all the footage. But if she did walk in _there_ we would have known by now.”

“General?”

The three of them jumped at the unexpected interruption from a warden.

“You're needed at the surveillance. I can't explain it but… you must see this.”

 

The anomaly became more obvious as he stepped outside the barrier that hugged him strangely. As he got closer to the device, the discs vibrated, releasing a high pitched sound. Rey shivered at the weird sensation of the aura surrounding him. It was weak, very likely due to the energy field. But once he escaped there would be nothing straining him… and Rey was scared of what he would be capable of.

She shouldn’t be standing on the side, watching him in terror. Kylo Ren wasn’t himself anymore. She might have known this already but was so desperate, so tired of being _alone_. Was releasing whatever evil resided in him worth taking a chance at curing her incomplete soul? There was a reason why Leia kept his presence and what he had become a mystery. Everything for her and Resistance’s safety. Yet Rey had chosen to be selfish.

She couldn’t ignore him any longer. The Force had decided she would be the one to stop him and until only one of them was left standing - she continued to have this responsibility.

Rey launched at Kylo, she had little to work with, but her arms were strong. She punched him as hard as she possibly could in the jaw and he almost lost his footing at the impact. Before she could swipe again, he grabbed her wrists and looked her in the eyes. She noticed his lower lip was broken and bled slightly, so at least she knew she could physically hurt him. Rey lifted her leg and kicked his abdomen. He bent in half and let go of one of her arm but easily pulled onto her other one. She fell forward but Kylo quickly gripped her neck and threw her on the ground. Rey tried to kick him again but he stepped onto her calf and next thing she heard was a crushing sound. Before she could feel the pain, Kylo picked her up and hit her head against the stone floor.

 

Technician Ora Haas struggled to bring the footage back onto the screen. The holograms flickered along other lights in the room, as if some power affected the electricity. The air was heavy and difficult to breathe in and out. Everyone was rightfully concerned with the state of the base and the escape of their most dangerous prisoner, but only Leia was not surprised by the outcome. Maybe that's why she was so terrified to look at the footage - no one would like to see a devil and neither did she.

Finn and Poe stood in front of the screen, looking out for Rey but she was nowhere to be seen. There were only bodies lying on the floor, in unnatural positions some still moving their limbs visibly.

“Can you go back?” asked Finn and the technician rewined quickly to the moment when Resistance’s soldiers still stood straight, with their guns pointing at something not yet visible.

Then their hands want for their neck and the screen became blurred as they did so. Slowly, one by one they started to fall, struggling to take a breath. As they writhed on the floor a shadowy figure came from behind the corner with the face hidden under dark hair. He did not stop, he did not even bat an eye at the dying soldiers. Without any delay he moved forward. The strength the man in black showed was familiar but not quite the same. Everything about him was too calculated; and he wasn’t exactly known for his composure. Yet despite the grim acts the footage was showing him to commit, there was no chaos around him.

“What the hell is wrong with that guy?” murmured Poe, not directing his question to anyone in particular, but Leia felt accountable.

“He is no longer… a man. That’s one thing I’m sure of.”

“General?” Ora Haas cut in, turning his hair towards the woman. “He has reached the docking bay. Should we shut down our systems and lock the exits?”

“No. Let him go. Provoking him would be a suicide.”

“Are you serious?”

Finn came up to her: shaken, angry and confused. But determined as ever. An admirable characteristics of his, even though he couldn’t be allowed to run out there with a pistol and be a hero. They have taken too many loses already.

Leia spoke up, still facing away from the screen and aware that her mask of courage has been missing for some time now.

“If you truly want to help then get to the soldiers and rescue the survivors. Try not to alarm anyone; just make sure they’re is safe. This is bigger than us - we cannot fight him, not like this… at least not without Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know chapters which are short like that are lame but it's either that, or updating once every 6 months.


End file.
